


Frozen Yogurt Baby

by americalovesthecockpit



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: America's POV, Crack, M/M, Mpreg, Unicorns, WTF, lulz
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-04
Updated: 2012-09-04
Packaged: 2017-11-13 14:06:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/504312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/americalovesthecockpit/pseuds/americalovesthecockpit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>America lies and tells England he's pregnant, but in reality he's just getting fatter from eating at all the new frozen yogurt shops that have opened up recently. M-preg parody, UKUS, crack.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Frozen Yogurt Baby

**Author's Note:**

> So warnings: m-preg parody, crack, and offensive/ un-PC comments by America. If you're offended easily, don't read. I didn't know if this should be rated Mature or Explicit. There is sex, but it's not the focus.
> 
> Oh, and for those of y'all who don't know, I didn't make up the part about England giving America a unicorn. It's in the manga/ webcomic (that's what my icon is from.)
> 
> America's POV!

"Ohhh yeeeeah."

I had thought when they built that Chipotle within walking distance to my house that it couldn't get any more exciting. I mean, it's Chipotle. Few things are more fun to put in your mouth, am I right? When they put one so close to me, I near about shat myself with excitement.

Then I near about shat myself every time I ate there because of the food, but that's a different story. Montezuma's Revenge and such. Oh, well. It's worth the dash to the toilet!

But then I was proved wrong. Things CAN get even more exciting. Because they built a frozen yogurt shop right by my house too! And then they built another. And another. And another and so forth! My town was saturated with unsaturated fat! Not that I was complaining. I was nomming all that.

There were so many! There's Pinkberry, and Red Mango, and IceBerry, and Yogurt-land, and Crave, and Tasti-D-Lite, and Yogo Factory, and Sweet Frog, and Menchie's, and Yogen Fruz. (I dunno how to make an umlaut for that last one, but this is America and we don't use umlauts, FUCK YEAH!) I know what you're thinking. 'That's a lot of frozen yogurt places!' But believe it or not boys and girls, there's a crap ton more. Look around where you live and I bet there's at least one, maybe moar, that I didn't even list :O

But my favorite of all the shops? Delicious PinkBanana. Mmmm … who doesn't want a PinkBanana in their mouth? I know I do. I started putting some in my mouth every day. You know when it's so good that as soon as it's in your eyes roll back in your head, and you make that little "mmm!" noise? Yeah. I did that every time. Especially if there's a little cream on my PinkBanana, mmm ….

But back up. It wasn't so easy to get deliciousness in my mouth. I had to sit there every day and watch them build that first shop, knowing what it would be but not being able to taste it quite yet. Flavors like ice pomegranate and pink cherry and honey badger and chocolate starfish would have to wait! They couldn't get in my belly quite yet.

MY TUMMY PINED FOR THEM! But alas, it took a bit of time for the Mexican construction workers to finish building it. I ate Chipotle in front of them as I watched and waited.

During this painful waiting time, England paid me a visit. It'd been a while since I'd last seen him. He's been busy with the Olympics, I've been busy with Chipotle and the bathroom, you know how things are. We're both busy peoples.

(Well, that's what I told people anyway. And it was true, but also I … well … kinda missed him. Okay, really missed him. BUT I DON'T WANNA ADMIT IT SO DON'T TELL ANYONE BOYS AND GIRLS AAAUUGH)

So yeah, he just showed up at my house one day suddenly. Unannounced, which I thought was quite rude. What if I had something going on that day? I mean, I was quite busy watching an infomercial about the Comfort Wipe. If y'all don't know what that is, it's a stick you use to wipe your ass with. Don't believe me? Well, get your happy ass over to youtube then. Because it's fo real, you guys. I didn't think I'd wanna wipe myself with a plastic stick either, but Chipotle was giving me second thoughts.

Okay, you back from youtube? Because I can wait. I got all day. Seriously, go check it out. It's worth the lulz. Plus you might even buy it and keep it a deep dark secret as you make fun of it with your friends.

Back now? You watched it? Liar. Anyway, England was at my hizzy.

"Yo, England," I said, opening the door. "Thanks for calling first. That was so awesome of you."

(That was sarcasm.)

"Sorry," said England, pushing past me and into the house. "But this is very urgent. I had to get here right away."

I closed the door. "Oh? What's so important?" After all, Pinkbanana wasn't finished being built yet. Well, I guess there was the Chipotle …

"It's time for the mating," he said, looking all around my living room. The infomercial was still playing on the TV, but he didn't pay attention. "Quickly! We must get this started as soon as possible!"

"Um, whoa, haha," I said. "Someone's a little eager, huh?"

"Shut up. I'm serious. The penetration must begin quickly!"

"Damn! You don't play around, do you?"

"Go fetch your stallion so he may penetrate my—"

"My stallion? PFFFT! England, you are so silly," I said, unzipping myself. "All right, if you're gonna call my penis a stallion I'm gonna calls yours … um … what's another strong, noble animal … uh … A SEAGULL—"

"What the hell are you doing?" snapped England. He was looking at me unzipping. "Keep your prick in your trousers! Now is not the time. It's mating season!"

"Wha …?" I was confused. I had been quite sure England was consumed with a RAVENOUS, HUNGER LUST and that could only be satisfied by my penis. On maybe my mouth. Or hand. Depends on the night, really.

"My unicorn mare is in heat," said England. "But she won't be for long. I've come to breed her with your unicorn stallion."

I just stared back like :I

"Don't you remember?" he asked like it was obvious. "On your birthday? I gave you a unicorn as a gift? Surely you've kept him well all this time?"

I zipped back up. Clearly I wasn't getting laid any time soon.

"I've always wanted to foal my mare," continued England. "I've never seen a baby unicorn before. Wouldn't that be brilliant? To see a baby unicorn? God, it'd be bloody amazing …"

:I

I think England has spent too much time watching My Little Pony. Friendship may be magic, but nothing else is.

"So please," said England. He was glancing around the room. "Find your stallion so we can begin the mating."

In case you guys didn't know already, England is batshit crazy. He thinks unicorns are real. He thought 'The Last Unicorn' was a documentary and told the WWF to help protect them because they are an endangered species. Okay, I made that last part up, but that totally sounds like something he'd do, am I right?

"Oh, yeah, pfft," I said, cracking up. "He's … uh … by the pool. Chilling with Whaley. They have … pfft, uh … tea parties out there. With … um … the Mad Hatter and the rabbit who's always late or something."

LOLOLOLOLOL! I just made that shit up! Hey, if England was gonna be nutburgers, I was gonna have some fun, okay?

"Oh, splendid," said England. He walked out of the room, toward Whaley's pool.

When he was gone, I burst into laughter, "HAHAHAHA!" What a poor delusional fool. What a poor, batshit crazy, delusional, cockblocking fool. (Seriously. He had my hopes up there for a second!)

"BYOOOOOO!" said my whale when I stepped outside to his pool.

"Sup, Whaley?" I said.

England was looking all around. "Where is he? I don't see Daffodil."

"Who?"

"Your unicorn!"

"Oh … riiiight. Well, darn. We must have just missed him. He must be off to get his magical school supplies before he goes to Hogwarts, where his teacher will be Victoria Stillwell, who will teach him many an important lesson like how to sit and stay and heel—"

"Oh — quiet." England held up a finger. "You hear that?"

Stupid England interrupting me. I was on a roll. I was gonna throw in a Supernanny reference next! It would have been hilarious. "No."

"Listen."

We listened. To … nothing. Well, I could hear faint sounds of construction of the glorious PinkBanana in the distance, but that wasn't what England was talking about.

"This way!" England suddenly bolted. I chased after him because I didn't have anything better to do.

We ran to the front yard. There England froze, staring at nothing. His eyes got all big and watery and his mouth was agape like *o*

"… the hell?" I said.

"It's glorious!" said England. He was crying tears of joy. "They are mating! I didn't even have to encourage it — it was simply meant to be!"

"… whaaaa?"

England wiped away a tear. "I left Butterscotch here in your front yard whilst I went inside to see you. Apparently Daffodil found her all on his own and now they are intertwined in a magnificent embrace!"

"Sooo … unicorn sex?"

Really? REALLY? That's what England hallucinates about? Unicorns having sex? What, do they cum rainbows when they finish? Hmm … maybe that's where Lady Rainicorn came from on Adventure Time … (Speaking of which, it seems she had gotten around lately as well, LOL.)

"It's … it's beautiful …" sniffled England. "I'm going to have a baby unicorn."

"And I'm going to have a burrito bowl from Chipotle," I said, turning away. "You want anything?"

"You can't leave!" he shouted. "This is a magical moment! Our unicorns are joined as one — creating new life!"

"But I'm hungry! And I don't see anythi—"

Suddenly England held my hand. He squeezed it tight, as he stared at the nothingness, tears still rolling down his face, bottom lip quivering.

"It's … it's just so amazing …"

We kept holding hands during this 'magical' moment, but I think I ruined the moment by making a :/ face the whole time England wept tears of joy.

X

I have a TV in my bedroom, and believe it or not they were replaying that GLORIOUS infomercial when I got into bed. I snuggled up all comfy and cozy and watched them talk about the best way to wipe your ass.

It took my mind off such a weird afternoon. Did you know England's unicorn trailer is invisible too? Tell me how that makes sense. After the unicorns supposedly had sex, England put both of them in the trailer together for the evening. He said he wanted them to have as many mating opportunities as possible, to make sure the female was pregnant, and that they would try again tomorrow.

OH BOY. Another day of watching England talk to himself and pet the air and talk about unicorn cock! You guys ever seen a horse's cock before? Don't lie. You know you have. Well, I'm sure a unicorn's cock would be just as big. This is what England likes to imagine in his little fantasy world. Is it any wonder I snuck off for some Chipotle by myself and then to bed? With a couple stops at the bathroom in between, of course.

I was still watching people wipe their asses with a stick when England crawled into bed with me. He fluffed his pillow, and lay down.

I turned away from him, pulling all the covers with me. Yeah, I'm a covers hog, what of it? He didn't deserve my WARMTH.

"Oh, finally finished with your imaginary friends banging each other, huh?" I said, facing the wall. "Did your sick little fantasy get boring?"

"Are you angry with me?" He sounded shocked. "I thought we had a moment earlier … outside … holding hands … watching our unicorns make love, make a new life …"

"Uh … no. I'm pissed."

He sat up. "Why?"

"Uh, HMM! Could it be because you haven't visited me in forever and when you finally do you ignore me because you're too busy IMAGINING MYTHICAL CREATURES ARE FUCKING EACH OTHER? !"

"You know I've been busy! So have you!" England said defensively. "And I'm not imagining it!"

"Whatevs," I said. "I'm still gonna be pissed because you ignored me."

"So you just want my attention, eh?" I heard him shuffling around on the bed.

"…" I didn't wanna reply to him at first. He kept shuffling and I felt him pull on the covers.

"Come now," he said. "I'll make it up to you. You have my undivided attention, for the rest of the night. Wouldn't you like that?"

"No," I pouted. Even though in my mind I was like YES YES OH GOD YES!

"You don't mean that …" He yanked away the last of the covers. I had nothing to cuddle but myself. "What would you like to do?"

"Nothing," I pouted again. Even though in my mind there were plenty of somethings I would LOVE to do.

"Oh? I think I know something you'd enjoy."

"Pfft, yeah right."

Just a few minutes later, I stood corrected. Very corrected. (But I wasn't gonna admit that to England.) Because England's head was buried between my legs, his lips around my cock, blowing me good.

"Nnn," I whimpered, arching into him. I was sitting up, with both my hands on the back of his head.

He slid me in and out of his mouth, bobbing his head eagerly. A bit of drool trickled down the corner of his lips. As he mouth-fucked me, his fingers lightly rubbed at my balls, cupping them and rolling them in his hand. That was one of my favorites, and I couldn't help but moan.

Funny thing about blowjobs. They sure can make you forget whatever you were mad about!

"England," I panted, shuddering. "God … I'm almost there …"

England slid me out his mouth. He gave my cock a couple more tugs with his hand, before letting me go completely. To reach for his own zipper.

I had been a little annoyed that he pulled away before I finished, but then I smirked. "Oh," I said, giving him that ooooh yeeeeah look. Y'all know what I'm talking about.

He got his pants and underwear off, and I saw that he was rock hard from blowing me. Obviously when he saw an eyeful (and mouthful) of my cock, he couldn't help himself. Like his horny unicorn in heat, he craved it. He needed it. He couldn't wait to impale himself on my cock, filling his needy hole, sinking himself down onto me until I was balls deep inside him. Yep, like a horny unicorn in heat.

Wellllll … that's what I thought anyway. Until he pulled my legs apart and spat on my entrance.

Moments later, he was shoving himself inside me.

"Whaaa …" I whimpered, clawing at my Batman sheets. I was NOT expecting that!

"Sorry," said England as he started a rhythm. "I suppose that was a bit sudden …"

"Uh, YEAH!"

It'd been forever since I let England top. I should have stopped him. After all, he was still on thin ice from pissing me off. But he was finally paying attention to me, so I let him do it.

I just hope he wasn't thinking about unicorns while we did this :I

Just to be sure, I decided to test this hypothesis like a scientist.

I thrashed my head back and forth on the pillow, pretending it was more pleasurable than it actually was, like how womens fake it. "NEEEEIGGH!" I whinnied sexily.

No reaction. He just kept fucking me. I didn't know what that meant. Was my experiment a success or failure? If only those smart guys from The Big Bang Theory were here to help me! Especially Sheldon. He'd tell me just what to do, as long as I didn't sit in his spot.

It went on like that for a while. England kept shoving himself in and out of me, I just held onto the sheets for the ride, hoping I could wait until we were done having sex before I had to run to the bathroom. I did eat Chipotle, after all.

When England was really close, I heard him whisper softly, "What a wonderful way to end such a magical day."

My eyes were squeezed shut. I forced them to open. "Huh?"

"The unicorns … it was a miracle …"

And then he slammed himself one last time, cumming deep inside me.

"Hmmph," I said, looking to the wall. "Even when you cum, you're thinking about those damn unicorns instead of me."

But he didn't hear me, as he collapsed beside me, out of breath.

He didn't finish me because he'd gone night-night. I didn't even finish me off. No, I was too pissed to gasm. Instead I went and comforted myself with some tacos. No, not Chipotle, as it was like midnight. I had to go to Taco Bell, because there I can eat great even late.

… well, I can eat even late. Let's just say that.

X

England spent the next day with the unicorns again. All day he stayed in the yard, brushing the air and petting the air and freaking the hell out of my neighbors. Meanwhile, I stayed inside, watching him from the window just getting more and MOAR CHEESED OFF.

"Goddamn unicorns!" I huffed, watching him try to feed one a sugar cube. You can't fool me, England. That sugar cube didn't disappear. You just crumbled it in your hand. Like how Cookie Monster doesn't really eat those cookies. He's a puppet. You can't fool me. He just crumbles them in his mouth and all the crumbs spew everywhere. Because like puppets, UNICORNS ARE NOT REAL.

"Why does he choose those stupid unicorns over me?" I asked Tony. "I mean, I'll put on a party hat and pretend it's a horn and crawl around on all fours if that's what it takes to get some dang attention around here!"

Tony just shrugged. He was watching TV.

I sat beside him on the couch. Ah, one of my favorite shows. Maury. For those of you not familiar with Maury Povich and his wonderful show, let me explain! It's all about women who cheat and slut it up so much they don't know the father of their baby. So they either call the show to prove it with a paternity test, or go on to 'confess' to their boyfriend/husband/cousin/whatever that they've been cheating and they might not be the father! :O

By the way, they always say they came to tell their man a secret, and every single time the man is like "I don't know what (slut's name) is gonna tell me, but I hope we can get through it." It's like really? REALLY? You don't know? ! EVERY SINGLE TIME A WOMAN GOES ON THAT SHOW FOR A SECRET, IT'S ALWAYS TO SAY SHE CHEATED AND DOESN'T KNOW WHO THE FATHER IS OF HER BABY! And yet, they are always shocked and hurt and are like 'WAAAH HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?' Come on, guys. Just watch the show and you'll know.

So there I was, eating a taco, watching the Maury show. This one whore was on there, testing four different men to see who the baby daddy was. If you're shocked, don't be. That's normal. Some women test like thirteen guys. That's a lot of dick.

"I'M A THOUSAND PERCENT SURE YOU'RE MY BABY'S DADDY!" said the woman on the screen.

"Why do they always say stuff like that?" I asked Tony, munching on my taco. "A thousand percent sure, two thousand percent sure — it's not mathematically possible. The highest percentage possible is 100! You can't just go higher and higher!"

Sheldon would be proud. (Of my math rant, not sluts not knowing who their baby daddy is.)

(Also if she is 'a thousand percent sure' why did she bring three other guys to test?)

"I ain't that baby's daddy!" replied the reputable young gentleman (LOL) on the TV. "Anybody could be that baby's daddy! Hell, even Maury could be that baby's daddy!"

"OOOOOOHHHHHHH!" said the audience.

"I KNOW you're the father!" said the slutty mom. "You know how I know? Because my baby has a small penis, just like you!"

Then the audience was like LOLOLOLOLOL!

"They say that line a lot," I said to Tony. "But I mean, aren't all baby's penises small?"

Tony gave me a weird look.

"I-I mean not that I'd know! I don't go around looking at baby's penises, I'm just saying."

Maury simmered down the hollering audience and the people on the stage. Then someone handed him a big vanilla envelope. OH BOY! That meant he was gonna read the results.

"In the case of eight months old BABY," began Maury. Everyone was on the edge of their seats because it was a dramatic moment. "You are NOT the father!"

"NOOOOOO!" shouted the slut.

"WHOOOOO!" yelled the not-baby-daddy. Then he proceeded to do a little victory jig. The audience loved that! :D

Oh, and then Maury read the rest of the results for the paternity tests. All four men were NOT THE BABY DADDY! The woman ran backstage and sobbed.

"HAHAHAHA!" I LOL'd. Damn was this show funny.

Then it cut to a commercial. A familiar commercial. About wiping your ass.

"Being a big guy certainly has its advantages … and its disadvantages," said some fat guy on the TV. It was yet another ad for the Comfort Wipe! Was God giving me a sign?

"What kind of advantages do you get being a fatty?" I scoffed as I scarfed down more taco.

"You tell me," said Tony, and then he made a bunch of alien noises.

"Huh?"

Tony poked me in a small roll of fat that sat atop my jeans.

"Aw, crap!" I said. "I'm starting to get a muffin top!"

Tony gave me a look like -_-

Okay, maybe it wasn't so new. But STILL! Even a small roll of fat was not very HERO-LIKE! Mmm I could go for a hero sandwich … maybe from Subway (it's aaaah-vacado season) or Quizno's (they gotta pepper bar!) or Jersey Mike's (so cornstarchy!) or Penn Station (not a real train station) or Firehouse Subs (also not really made in a firehouse) or Blimpie (they claim to be 'America's Sub Shop' … THAT'S ME!) or Jimmy John's (sounds like a slang for a penis LOL) or Mr. Hero (obviously I should have said that one first, huh?)

… what the hell was I talking about.

Oh yeah. How I got some meat on my bones. Nothing wrong with that, you guys. Just more to love.

(But I'm glad England hadn't noticed yet.)

Heeey … wait a minute. England hadn't noticed yet! AWESOME! That meant I could play a funny trick on him, hehe. I got the idea from watching Maury. You can play this joke at home too if you want, ladies. It's real easy. This is what you do. While your dude is around, stand (or sit, that actually works a little better because you look a little fatter that way) and suddenly grab your tummy and hiss or gasp, while making a pained or surprised face. Then go, "Whoo, baby's kicking."

The look on his face will be PRICELESS! Just do it outta nowhere. Catch him off guard. It's all kinds of lulzy.

I was so gonna do that. It was my plan, anyway. Except stupid England spent all day in the stupid yard with those stupid 'unicorns' ignoring stupid me. Oops, crap, didn't mean to call me stupid too, LOL.

Anyway, I tried to wait up for him, but it got late and I was just like screw this. I went to bed and I figured if England wanted to spend some time with me, he'd wake me up.

Instead I didn't even see him, because he got up before I did. He had an early flight and only left a short note saying goodbye.

I was all alone in that big bed, surrounded by empty, crumbled aluminum wrappers from where I had eaten tacos in the bed.

Tony came into the room. "Fucking limey," he said. "Fucking and leaving."

I sighed. "I hardly even saw him at all on this trip. He'd rather be outside and talk to thin air than be inside spending time with me doing important things, like watching Maury together."

Tony nodded.

"Come on. Let's go drown our sorrows," I said, sitting up on the bed. "In salsa from Chipotle."

"Buh?" said Tony.

"Or guacamole, it's all good mood food."

Oh wait, that's Arby's …

X

SIX MONTHS LATER

It was six months later, as you read above. PinkBanana had opened and I had opened my mouth for it. Many, many times. All those frozen yogurt places opened up, and I sampled them all. I have an eager mouth.

For those of you who don't know, this is how it works. You go up to a machine and pull a lever, kind of like how soft serve ice cream comes out. BUT IT'S NOT ICE CREAM. It's frozen yogurt, y'all. Anyway, then you get to pick your toppings. They got EVERYTHING. Every fruit imaginable, nuts, whipped cream, chocolate syrup, caramel, even friggin' DOUGHNUTS! Yeah, doughnuts are a topping! Hell, they even got cereal like Captain Crunch in there! As a topping! Sometimes I load up on toppings so much I have trouble finding my frozen yogurt, LOL.

And then, once you've piled on every doughnut and Fruity Pebbles (yeah, they got that too) you can, you weigh your cup. The moar it weighs, the moar you pay for it. I always end up paying like twelve bucks per cup, haha. Oh well! It's worth it.

Especially since I was all alone in that big ass house with no one to console me but dat frozen yogurt. Tony doesn't count because he's not very consoling. He just doesn't roll that way, and I respect that. Whaley doesn't count because he can't talk because he's a whale, DUH. And Daffodil doesn't count because he doesn't exist.

So yeah. I was all alone. England didn't visit me. And I eat when I'm lonely. I also eat when I'm bored or happy or mad or sad, but I especially eat when I'm lonely. Something's gotta fill that void! There's a hole in my heart! And if England wasn't around to fill my hole, frozen yogurt it was.

(By the way, I meant filling a metaphorical hole. Don't make that pervy.)

Then one day, he did show up.

I had a spoonful of froyo in my mouth when I heard a knock at the door. "Hmm?" I said, then spat out the spoon. "I didn't order Domino's or Papa John's or Little Caesar's. Who on Earth could it be then? !"

I opened the door and saw that it was England. But y'all already knew that.

"You really need to learn how to call first," I said.

"Sorry, damn mobile is broken," he said, pushing his way inside.

"You couldn't use another phone?" But he didn't answer me. So I went back into the other room and flopped on my couch. Ahh, back to my PinkBanana.

"The mating was a success," England said. He'd followed me into the living room and stood as I ate my frozen yogurt. Ugh, don't y'all hate when people do that? You're sitting, and they're just standing? It's like sit down, you're making me nervous!

"You crazy," I said, nomming away.

"Butterscotch is six months pregnant," he said, ignoring my comment. "Another six months, and she will be ready to give birth, and …" He stopped, put his hand over his mouth for a moment, looking like he was gonna tear up, before collecting himself. "… we will have a beautiful unicorn foal."

England wasn't even looking at me when he was talking. Ugh. He really doesn't pay enough attention to me. He made me wait six months, and now this was just gonna be another visit about those gosh darn mutant horses? I started pouting hardcore.

Yep, I put on my best pouty face as England paced the room, rambling on about this and that to do with the unicorns. How this will be Butterscotch's first foal but he's sure she'll be a good mother, how the vet check-ups have all been good so far, possible names for if the foal is a colt or filly (that's if it's a boy or girl, boys and girls.)

Meanwhile, I didn't give a shit.

In fact, I'd stopped listening to him. I turned the TV on and tuned him out.

Guess what came on. Go on, guess.

… psssh, I WISH it was The Big Bang Theory. And I'm surprised it's not, considering how they play that show over 9000 times a day. BUT NO. It was the Maury show!

And then I remembered.

I looked down.

… okay, y'all remember how six months ago I had just a liiiiittle roll of fat around my waist? Really, it was so small, you could only see it when I sat down. Well, that was six months ago. Before PinkBanana, and all the rest of them frozen yogurt places opened up so close to my hizzy.

So now I had a few extra pounds, to put it delicately.

Not that I was obese or something! Don't get the wrong idea. I just got a little chubby, is all. I got some pudge. Happens to the best of us, eh? At least it does when you eat five cups of frozen yogurt loaded with doughnuts and cereal a day …

Normally, I'd flip out. Like AHHHH I GOT FAT HERO'S CAN'T BE FAT IT'S TIME TO HIT THE GYM I'M GOING TO AMERICAN FAMILY FITNESS LOLOLOL GET IT? 'AMERICAN'? IT'S MADE FOR MEEEE' But no. I did not flip out. Ya know why? Because seeing that show made me remember something. An awesome idea I had six months ago.

"I dunno what the secret could be," said some naive dumbass on the TV screen. "But I hope once she tells me, we can stay be together."

Psssh … come on, dude. You know what she's gonna say. The baby's black, and you're both white. Do the math :I

"I have it timed to the day, but just in case," prattled on England, still pacing the room, so excited about the unicorns he didn't even notice me watching TV, "I have requested that whole month off of work, in case she foals a bit early or late. I must be there, to make sure everything goes smoothly of course, but also just to witness the divine miracle—"

"Ohhh!" I gasped suddenly. I cringed, doubling over on the couch, holding my tummy.

England finally noticed. "Oh — um, America?"

I sat back up, and smiled weakly at him. "Whoo, baby's kicking," I said, gently rubbing my tummy.

England froze. And stared at me. And stared and stared and stared. His eyebrows were slowly rising higher and higher until they were practically off his head.

I was about to LOL and be like "Haha, got ya! You SO believed me!" but England interrupted me. He raced over to me and put his hands on my tummy.

"Whoa," I startled when he touched me.

"I … I can't believe I didn't notice it when I came in …" said England, looking at my belly. "I was so distracted talking about the unicorns, I …" He started to choke up before he could finish.

"… um, dude? I was just j—"

He collected himself and continued, a tear rolling down his cheek. "It's … it's a miracle. A true miracle."

Holy crap. Did England really believe I was pregnant? Um, HELLO! I'm a DUDE! Dudes don't get pregnant (except seahorses.) (I'm not a seahorse.) This is basic biology. Didn't England take science class? Or do they not have anatomy at Hogwarts School of Fine Arts? Because it he had, he would know that babies grow in women's stomachs. Their stomachs are different from us men's and can handle both foods and babies at the same time. Also, the baby eats the food in the stomach. That's why it grows in the tummy, the food is right there for them so it can grow big and strong.

I'm a guy, so I don't have a special stomach like a woman. Mine is for frozen yogurt, oh yeeeah.

Back to this very awkward scene. England was now on his knees, kneeling in front of me, rubbing his hands all over my tummy.

"It must be from the unicorns," he said, crying but smiling at the same time. "They knew how ecstatic I was about their baby, they must have figured one of my own would be a dream come true. They used their magic … it truly is a miracle …"

Crap, what was I supposed to do? He was CRYING for gosh darn sake! He was literally weeping with joy! This was just supposed to be funny. Now it's gonna be a total dick move when I go 'PSYCH JUST KIDDING LOLOLOLOL!'

Then he won't happy-cry, he'll sad-cry and leave me to be alone for like ever. I don't wanna be forever alone!

"Oh, I'm so excited," rambled on England. "Ooh, I'm already thinking about baby names. I wonder if it will be a boy or girl? Oh, I wonder if it will be twins!"

TWINS? ! Jeez, I didn't look THAT fat! D: That's definitely a six month pregnant amount of chub I got going on, AND NO MORE!

But I couldn't let this go on anymore. The longer I drag this joke out, the more pissed England's gonna be when I tell him that ain't a baby he's rubbing, it's frozen yogurt. Even though you gotta admit, this was a pretty good joke, am I right? Even if it's gone too far, still. Pretty epic. I'm damn proud of this one.

I took England's hands so that he wasn't rubbing my belly anymore. "Hey, England, um, listen … about all this …"

"I know you're nervous," interrupted England. "But don't worry, I'm going to be there every step of the way. Ah, that reminds me …"

"Huh?"

England let go of me and stood up. He pulled out a cell phone and dialed. "Hello. Yes, it's me," he said into it.

"Hey, I thought you said your phone was broken! LIAR!"

"Yes, I need to extend my request off work," said England. "I need more than one month. I need at least three months starting right now …" England stopped to smile at me. Or rather, my pudgy belly. "And then a couple more after that. Not sure how many quite yet, it will depend on how things go."

A pause.

"Well, I don't care, I'm telling you not asking you," continued England. Another pause. "I don't give a shit. Eat my bollocks, Cameron, I'M HAVING A BLOODY BABY!"

Then England hung up.

"What the heck?" I asked.

"Sorry, sorry," he said. "I meant we're having a baby, of course."

"You're … you're gonna be staying with me … for months?" I asked.

"Of course! There's so much to do to get ready for the baby! And of course you're going to need my help toward the end of the pregnancy, and certainly after the baby's born, it's a two-man job, after all."

No. No, England. It's not usually a two man job. It's usually a one woman, one man job. Or one woman, possibly thirteen other men job, in the case of Maury guests.

But it's not my fault if England didn't know basic biology. He should watch more The Big Bang Theory. They're like scientists and stuff. I'm sure if Sheldon was here, he would explain to England why men can't have babies. I mean, babies come out of the vagina. I don't got a vagina. Where is the baby gonna come out of? My butt? LOL, gross. Who wants some butt-baby?

Apparently England. And you know what? I'm gonna go along with this. Oh, you judging me, you little Judge Judy? I don't care. That's how I roll. Deal with it. Because I'm been lonely in this house for too darn long. I am NOT gonna pass up an opportunity like this.

Finally I was gonna get some attention and not those STUPID UNICORNS.

And I was gonna milk this for all its worth. Hehe, yeah.

"Great," I replied to him. "I'm looking forward to – ohhhh," I suddenly groaned in pain, clutching my tummy.

"America, are you okay? !" asked England frantically.

"Oh, yeah, I'm okay. I think it was just Toni Braxton contractions."

"… I think you mean Braxton Hicks contractions."

"She got married? Well, good for her."

That night I was the happiest I had been in a while. England and I cuddled up on the couch together. I was eating my frozen yogurt, and England was already knitting little baby booties. We just sat like that for hours.

This was all I really wanted. Some attention. But I couldn't tell him that. It's much easier to lie and create a ruse pretending I'm pregnant by way of some unicorn magic than to actually tell him my feelings, am I right?

I mean, I'm a guy. We don't talk about ~feelings.~ I can't tell him I want attention. That's just not what MANLY MEN do.

So I'll just pretend to be pregnant instead.

X

SEVEN MONTHS LATER

(I mean seven months from England's original visit, not like seven MOAR months. So I guess it's really just one month later. You got that, boys and girls? It's really not that hard.)

It'd been a whole month and England couldn't stop talking about the baby. It was all he cared about. He didn't mention those stupid unicorns even once! Haha, in your face, nonexistent mythical creatures! SUCK IT! England likes me better, nah nah na boo boo stick your head in doo doo.

Of course, it did get a little annoying. He didn't like me doing things for myself. I'm all like, "Okey, I'm gonna make some breakfast, yay."

And he's like, "OH NO! Don't strain yourself! I'll do all the cooking from now on. You sit and rest."

It's not like making waffles is a work-out. If it was, it'd be something you could do at a gym. Pumping waffle irons, yeeeah!

But England still wouldn't let me do it. He didn't want me on my feet for too long. Which I guess was good. Because I had a new job: get fatter. If I didn't get fatter, I couldn't keep this up and England would discover the truth. So I needed to be as lazy and eat as much as possible.

It was hard, but somehow, I managed.

"England, you suck," I said, after trying the waffles. "They're still frozen in the middle. You gotta make sure they're in the toaster long enough."

"They were never frozen, I made them from scratch!"

"… oh." I made a face like I was grossed out :S

"Fine, if you don't want to eat them, I'll make you something else." England grabbed my plate.

"NOOOO LEGGO MY EGGO!"

England didn't let me do a lot of things. No moar working out, that was strictly forbidden. My Shake Weight languished away in my closet. And I couldn't go to My Family Fitness. That's what I'm gonna call American Family Fitness from now on, LOL. I used to go the YMCA, but I don't like showering with homeless people.

No moar eating fish either. Gotta watch out for scary ~MERCUUUURY~ Whatever, I ain't afraid of Mercury. She was cute on Sailor Moon. And if I wanna fish sandwich at McDonald's, I'm a grown ass man, and I can sneak and eat one in the closet while England is busy whenever I want!

He wouldn't even let me drink SODA! I tried and he ripped it from my hand like I was about to down some RU-486. Apparently caffeine is bad for the baby. It's a good thing I didn't tell him I had a 5 Hour Energy Drink! (Moar like 5 Hour Stomach Ache, am I right?) Now I gotta drink stupid caffeine-free soda. Ugh, it's like ejaculation with no sperm. You're missing the most important thing.

And I couldn't even think about alcohol. God forbid I have a beer! I forgot I was pretending to be pregnant one day, and grabbed a Miller Lite from the fridge. England nearly shat himself when he caught me sitting on the couch drinking it! He started yelling at me and poured it down the drain! I was like come on, England. Maybe our baby likes to party. Don't be so overprotective of it. Cut the umbilical cord already, damn.

England wouldn't let me do hardly anything. If I got a tummy ache, I couldn't just take some Pepto-Bismol or something. What was I supposed to do to get rid of my 5 Hour Stomach Ache? :/ Plus I like that song: ~nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, DIARRHEA! Yay, Pepto-Bismol!~ You really gotta nail the DIARRHEA!

Also this traveling carnival came to town and I was like OH BOY! But England wouldn't let me ride any rides, not even lame ones like the Ferris Wheel or the Caterpillar. He even told me one day I'm not allowed to scoop out kitty litter boxes. Um, I don't have a cat. What, does he think I'm gonna go sneak into my neighbor's house and clean up their cat's crap? Like "OH BOY I LOVE SCOOPING CAT SHIT DON'T STOP ME NOOOOOW!"

Hmm … maybe I should, just to piss off England …

One day, while I was watching the Steve Wilkos show (another good trashy daytime TV show. If you beat women or rape children, guess what? You don't get a chair on Steve's show! :O That'll learn'em) England came up to me. "We need to set up a nursery for the baby," he said.

"Won't it just sleep in our room?" I asked, munching away. "Like beside the bed, in the cradle."

"Don't call our baby an it!" snapped England. "Our baby is a he or she!"

"Oh, okay," I said sarcastically. "Won't he or she just sleep in our room? Because that's totally not awkward to say."

"The baby will need his or her own room," said England. "And shouldn't you know the sex of the baby? Didn't the doctor tell you during one of your well baby visits?"

"Uhh …" Crap, I didn't think about that. I should have been going to the doctor if I was seven months along, huh? "Yeah, well, umm … the doctor knows, but uh … I asked him not to tell me. I want it to be a surprise."

I waited to see if England would believe me. Or get pissed. I personally think it's annoying when couples do that. It's like TELL ME WHAT IT IS! If I gotta go down to Target where you're registered for your shower I wanna pick out something cool, not all stupid gender neutral shit. It's inconvenient and makes it so hard to prepare for the baby. But it's ~a surprise~ so they do it. It's like, jeez, no one cares. Get over yourselves.

"Oh, brilliant!" said England after a pause. "So it will be a surprise!"

Just like I said. But without the condescending tildes.

"Yeeeah …" I replied. "A surprise … yaaaay …"

"That's wonderful! Both a boy and a girl will love my idea for the nursery." England was sitting near to me now on the couch. I couldn't even hear Steve Wilkos anymore. And that's saying something, because he like shouts everything. "Here's my idea. We paint the room's walls with pictures of sprawling green, grassy hills, and then paint the sky above it. A bright blue sky with fluffy clouds. The theme of the room could be nature, and we could get a green crib, a green changing table, a green—"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," I interrupted. "I don't have a spare room for this. Just what were you thinking about painting?"

"Yes, you do. That bedroom next to yours, with the big wet tarp laying in it."

"THAT'S WHALEY'S ROOM!"

"Your damn whale lives outside in the pool!"

"Not when he comes inside, DUH!"

We kept arguing and arguing and this went on and on, but in the end, England won. He threw away the tarp and got new carpeting, and painted the room that gay way just like he said he would. I didn't help at all. I sat my ass on the couch and ate Captain Crunch with frozen yogurt in it and pouted. I REFUSED TO HELP.

That and England forbid me to help anyway. He didn't want me to doing work like that or breathing in paint fumes.

Whaley cried and I held him and consoled him. "There, there," I said. "You can sleep in my room."

"America," said England, stepping into the room with paint splotches on his clothes. "I just realized what shitty friends you have. They haven't even thrown you a shower yet!"

"… what?"

"We have nothing to put in this room yet, and it's because your friends don't give a shit. Come on, we've got to change that."

We were gonna have a baby shower? Meaning … the other countries were gonna know about this? About me being 'pregnant'? And see my 'baby bump'? And think I'm the first dude that this ever happened to? By 'unicorn magic'? (And know that I had let England top me?)

Dangit :I

X

EIGHT MONTHS LATER

(Eight months total, now another month has gone by. I'm sure you kids are catching on now, right?)

So we had a baby shower. All my friends were there. France and Russia were also there.

It looked like a normal baby shower. There were decorations and a big pile of presents and we all sat around in a circle in chairs and the sofa, eating cake. It was completely normal except instead of bunch of women it was a total sausage fest.

"How come y'all didn't put candles on this cake and let me make a wish?" I asked, pouting.

"It's a baby shower, not a birthday party," said England, who sat beside me. "Idiot."

"So?"

At least I got presents! I was all excited when I saw that big pile of them but then I started opening them, and I was like oh yeah. They're all baby crap.

"Gee, thanks so much, Canada," I said sarcastically. I'd just opened it and held it up for everyone to see. A couple different little baby outfits, including onesie jammies. "Baby clothes. How exciting."

"Awww …" said most peoples in the room.

"They're adorable," said England, who wasn't being sarcastic like me. "Thank you, Canada."

"You're welcome!" said Canada. "I'm so excited to be an uncle! Never expected it this way, but hey, I'm not complaining!"

This way? D: What was that supposed to mean? I guess he didn't expect me to get knocked up like a slut on the Maury show :(

I opened Germany and Italy's gift next. Yeah, they got me one together, because they're special friends. IT WAS HUGE! I was like WOW it's gotta be good if it's so big! But then I opened it and it was just a crib. Germany went on and on about its ergonomic design and all that bullcrap blah blah blah, but then Italy interrupted him.

"Sorry it's green!" said Italy. "We didn't know if it was a boy or girl and didn't want to get blue or pink just in case!"

SEE? This is was what I was talking about. Italy gets what I'm saying. So inconvenient!

"Oh, no," said England. "We wanted green. It's perfect!"

"Oh, yaaaay!"

It was weird seeing England like legit happy. He really was excited about this …

"Open mine next!" said China. "My present is best present!"

It was just an envelope, so I was like HMMM. I opened it and it was a savings bond. Oh SWEET! That actually WAS a good gift. Because I could use this for myself. The rest of this crap I was gonna have to sell on craigslist.

"It worth double in ten years!" said China. "Save for your little boy's future."

"Thanks, but we actually don't know if it's a boy or girl yet," said England.

"Oh, I forget you keep your baby girls over here."

D:

Next was Russia's present. I picked it up and was like, OH LAWD. What kind of horrible craziness could this be? I held the present away from me as I opened it. You never can be too careful with Russia. Did you know our governments never officially called off the Cold War? Technically it's still going on … or was that the Civil War …

But when I opened the present, it was a big, cute, stuffed Teddy bear. "Wow," I said to Russia. "This is an oddly … normal present, Russia."

"You're welcome," said Russia happily. "But be careful. At night it comes alive, hehe!"

"WHAT THE? !"

So I tossed it out the window.

"AW SHIT HERE'S ANOTHER ONE!" I yelled.

And I tossed that one out the window too.

"KUMAJIRO!" exclaimed Canada.

Next gift was Japan's. "Oh boy," I said, shaking it. "I wonder what it could be."

"Stop shaking all the presents," bitched England.

I opened it up. "Huh? What's this? It's not a Pillow Pet …"

"Ohhh …" England took it from me, looking it over. "It's one of those special breast-feeding pillows. Thank you, Japan."

"You're welcome," replied Japan, giving a little bow.

"BREAST-FEEDING? !" I exclaimed. "Wait a minute … you're really expecting me to breast-feed this baby? EEEEW!"

"Of course," said England. "Breast milk is the healthiest thing for the baby. It's natural."

"Um, HELLO! I don't got breasts!"

"You have nipples."

D:

Last and probably least, was France's gift. He seemed very amused that I got knocked up by England for some reason.

I opened his present. And got pissed.

"Condoms? !" I exclaimed. "You gave me condoms? ! What the heck! I seriously doubt England put this on our baby registry at Target!" I looked over to England. "… right?"

"I most certainly did not," said England. "What the hell is wrong with you, frog? !"

"HONHONHON!" cackled France. "I did it so zat zis mistake never happens again, no?"

"You're a dick, France," I said.

"Why did you get size small? !" yelled England.

"HONHONHON! Well, zey are for you, no?"

Psssh. I wish England had a small dick. Then it would hurt less when he put it in me.

"FUCKING WANKER!"

"I almost got him a hanger. Get it? Hoho~"

And thennnnn they were fighting. Wanker this, limey that …

I leaned back in my seat and sighed. Well, this is pretty much the crappy baby shower I expected. SIGH. All this stress is not good for my frozen yogurt baby.

At least I had some cake to console me. Even if it was just vanilla, because England said chocolate has small amounts of caffeine in it and that's not good for the baby, ugh …

X

NINE MONTHS LATER

I was nine months pregnant. Or at least, England thought I was. It wasn't easy gaining enough weight to keep up with how pregnant I was supposed to look at nine months. I often had to sneak out late at night to Waffle House or IHOP or Denny's. This was turning into a breakfast baby instead of just a frozen yogurt baby, LOL.

But whatever. Waffles are hella good.

I was doing a pretty good job. I looked pregnant enough. But there was another problem that for some reason I hadn't considered until now.

What do I do when no baby comes? :I

I mean, I was nine months along and nothing was gonna come out. I think England was gonna start getting suspicious soon. And it's a little too late to go "JUST KIDDING!" Because I don't think he'll find it funny considering how long this joke's been going on. Of course, he never did get my awesome humor …

It's not my fault if England doesn't understand lulz, am I right? AM I RIGHT? ! Please say yes. I'm desperate and don't know what to do.

The nursery was all set up, we had everything ready: a crib, changing table, clothes, diapers, wipes, blankets, bottles, a breast pumping set (? !), butt cream so that the baby doesn't get diaper rash, AND TONS OF OTHER BABY CRAP! England had gone all out and bought everything the baby could ever need.

… such a funny joke, r-right? Hahaha … haha … ha …

… I am so screwed :/

England would come up to me a lot and touch my tummy.

"Any day now," he'd say. "I can't wait."

Well, you're gonna have to. Because I haven't figured a way out of this yet!

Then I had a brilliant plan one day. I bought medical scrubs and snuck into a hospital. You hear about people on the news sneaking into them every now and then and stealing babies. Well, why not me?

So I dressed up like a doctor and headed down to the local hospital's delivery room. I actually snuck in and got to the nursery place thing where they keep all the babies. I looked at all them and was like HMMM. Which one did I want?

I kept rubbing my chin and thinking hard. This was gonna be my baby, after all. I gotta take this serious. But they all looked alike, so I guess it didn't really matter. (Except for one that was black, but unless England had some serious denial problem like that guy on Maury, I don't think that one would have worked, LOL.)

To be safe, I grabbed one that was blond(e) and had green eyes. That way England will really think it's his. If you're wondering why I did that thing with the (e) it's because 'blond' without an e is used for boys, and 'blonde' with an e is used for girls. They're not the same! *THE MOAR YOU KNOW*

And since all the babies had little diapers on, I didn't know if it was a boy or girl.

I glanced around. No one was watching, so I just grabbed it. And stuffed it into my duffle bag. Then I walked away, whistling casually, like a normal, nonchalant doctor.

As I walked through the hospital, the baby starting making noise. Little whining noises.

"Shhh!" said to the duffle bag. "Be quiet, baby! SHHHH!"

But it just kept making noise.

"SHUT UP, BABY!"

Then a nurse saw me yelling at the duffle bag.

"What's going on here?" she asked.

"Oh, uh …" Come on. I can think of a way out of this … "Sorry, I was just talking to my bag. I love my bag a lot, that's why I call it 'baby.'" I looked down to the duffle bag. "Isn't that right, baby? Aww, I love you too."

… smooth, right?

"WAHHHH!" cried the baby from inside the bag.

I shook the bag a little. "Shh!" I said out of the corner of my mouth.

"Security," said the nurse into a phone. "There is a fat gentleman in the maternity ward trying to steal a baby."

"Hells yeah, I'm a gentleman," I said, tipping an invisible hat. "GOOD DAY MA'AM!"

I almost got away with it. I would have if it wasn't for those meddling security guards. But they stopped me and took away my precious baby.

"MY DUFFLE BAAAAAG!" I screeched. "THAT'S FROM L.L. BEAN! YOU CAN'T KEEP IT!" But they did.

I mourned the loss of my precious bag :(

X

Another week passed. And then another. And then another, and I was almost TEN months pregnant then. Which is not unheard of. Women certainly do carry babies past their due date sometimes, even weeks. Did you know the world record for longest pregnancy is seventeen months? YEAH REALLY.

But somehow I feel that England would be suspicious if I kept this up for seventeen months. Something needed to happen soon. I kept try to think of ideas all the time. I got another good one, hehe.

"How much?" I said to the person on the phone. "20,000? GOOD LORD. But fine, whatever, I knew this wouldn't be cheap. It's not a crack baby, right?" A pause. "Jeez, calm down, I was just making sure! It's not a deal breaker, I just don't wanna pay that much for damaged goods. Now when can I pick it up?" Another pause. "THREE MONTHS? !" I exclaimed. "It's not even born yet? !"

Just then, England walked into the room.

"What the heck, dude!" I said to the phone. "I need it NOW! I can't wait three months! That's ridiculous!"

"Who are you talking to?" asked England, looking confused.

I quickly hung up. "Uh … Netflix. They said I gotta wait three months to rent 'Battleship'! C-can you believe that bullcrap?"

"Oh. Yes, I suppose that's rather inconvenient."

Phew. I guess he did believe that bullcrap.

Just then, I realized England had some papers in his hand.

"Hey, listen, America …" he started.

Uh oh. DOES HE KNOW? !

"About the baby …"

FFFFFFF—

"It's been almost ten months now, and well …"

HERE IT COMES …

"I looked up some ways of inducing labor on the Internet. I thought we might try some?"

… WOW. I can't believe I'm still getting away with this :'D

"Uh, sure," I said. "Let me see." I took one of the papers he'd printed off the Internets. "Eating spicy food is one way? !" I exclaimed. "CHIPOTLE HERE WE COME!"

England grabbed the paper back. "That one isn't backed by any scientific studies. We should try a better one—"

"NOOOOO I WANT CHIPOTLE! I'M CRAVING IT!"

Hehe, I liked to use the craving thing a lot. How do you think I got away with eating so much frozen yogurt? I just said I was CRAVING it. Which meant the baby wanted it. And England very much wanted to make the baby happy. Though it didn't work when I told him the baby really wanted a Code Red Mountain Dew :(

"Fine, we'll go to Chipotle," sighed England. "But we're walking. Walking is one of the best ways to induce labor."

We walked, and I ate a shit ton of spicy Mexican food, and we walked all the way back, and still no baby, of course.

After my usual post-Chipotle bathroom break (God I wish I had gotten that Comfort Wipe thing, I get what that fat guy what talking about now) I went into the kitchen to find England mixing up a drink.

"Ooh, you making a cocktail?" I asked excitedly. I saw orange juice out on the counter. "Aw, sweet! I love screwdrivers! Gimme one, dude."

"Are you joking?" scoffed England.

Oh, right. I was 'pregnant' and for some reason pregnant peoples can't drink alcohol.

"Uh … yes. Haha?"

England handed me the glass. "It's castor oil," he said. "I mixed it with orange juice because it tastes absolutely dreadful."

I took it but was afraid to drink it. If England of all people says something tastes bad, you know it can't be good. "Uh … are you sure this is gonna work?"

"That's what this says." England was glancing at the papers. "Apparently it upsets the intestines, which are near the uterus, and can force it to contract."

"… dude, my intestines are already upset. We just ate at Chipotle."

"Oh." England looked away, sadly. "And I don't even know if you have a uterus, to be honest. Not sure how far this magic went."

"Riiiiight …"

And so we kept going down the list. England made me tea, TWICE. First it was thyme tea, and nothing happened, except me going BLLEEEECH. Then he made me black cohosh tea, which also make me dry heave over the sink. I don't care for tea.

There was also a list of foods that supposedly induce labor. Well, that was easy enough. I just sat on the couch as England brought me food after food. He brought me pineapple, licorice, dates, eggplant (He said aubergine? What?) and a banana. (Though not PinkBanana.)

Of course, I was just chubby, so none of it worked.

Next England put me in the car and drove around the crappiest, roughest roads he could find. Apparently a bumpy car ride can sometimes induce labor. I got carsick (England had fed me a lot, remember?) but only bodily fluids came out of me, no baby.

When we got back home, England sat down in a chair, looking very unhappy.

"America, I'm starting to get very worried," he said.

I flopped on the couch across from him. "Don't worry. I stopped throwing up."

"Not that — I meant about the baby. It's not safe for him or her to be overdue for too long. Did you know the placenta can actually start to deteriorate after a certain amount of time? It could harm the baby."

"But the unicorns wouldn't allow that to happen, right? With their magic and mystery … and … all that jazz."

"I suppose not …"

England looked so sad. I dunno why. I mean, we were spending a lot of time together. Aside from the occasional argument and tasting bad things and vomiting, I'd been having a lot of fun. It'd been so long since I spent this much time with England, after all.

"Don't be sad, England," I said. "What else is on that list? We'll keep trying things."

"Not much." He glanced at it. "Um, next would be nipple stimulation. It's apparently a very highly rated way of inducing labor."

"Uh …"

Well, I wasn't expecting that. Weird. But if England wanted to play with my nips, so be it. It could be worse. I've never vomited from having my nips played with.

"Okey then," I said. I pulled my shirt over my head and tossed it aside. "Stimulate away!"

England joined me on the couch. We sat facing each other. I took a deep breath as I felt his fingers start to touch me. They lightly traced my chest, then stopped above my nipples. He took both of them in his fingers, one for each hand, and began gently rubbing them.

I shuddered. His hands were cold.

"It's supposed to make you have contractions," said England. "It makes you release hormones that make the uterus contract."

England kept rolling my nipples between his fingers. They got hard pretty quick from the stimulation.

"H-how long does it take?" I asked, trying not to gasp.

"It says you should do it in hour intervals."

"You're gonna do this for a whole HOUR? !"

A whole hour of England playing with my nips. Um, wow :I

"Lie back," said England. "Just relax and let me do it."

I sighed but did as he said. I leaned back on the arm of the couch. From rolling England got a little rougher. He started pinching my nipples. Yeah, pinching! Every time he did, I would clench up, because it was quite uncomfortable. Especially when my nipples were so hard.

"Th-this is weird," I said with a shaky voice. I kept shuddering and gasping and trying to hold back whimpering sounds. It was hard to do. Nips are a sensitive place! And his fingers were very eager. All nimble and smooth and forceful for some of those pinches.

And this went on for FOREVAR.

After like thirty minutes, I realized something. All this nipple play was slowly affecting me. Now it wasn't just my nips that were hard …

(My penis was too.)

Crap. I wonder if England would notice.

Believe it or not, despite how much time we'd spent together these last three months or so, we hadn't had sex once. No, not even once! The last time we had sex was nine months ago when the frozen yogurt baby was supposedly conceived. I dunno why. We were just so busy with baby stuff, I guess. And talking and preparing for a baby is a real boner killer anyway.

But you know what's NOT a real boner killer? Getting your nips played with. Ohhhh yeeeeeah.

Nine months was a long time to go without sex. It didn't occur to me until then how bad I needed to get laid. Why was I content to go so long without? Just because England was paying attention to me? Nahh that couldn't be it.

Because I was pretty friggin' horny then. I didn't even care if I topped or bottomed, I just really wanted some sex. I let England know this by suddenly sitting up and kissing him forcefully on the mouth while grinding my palm between his legs.

"Mmm!" whimpered England, sounding surprised. But then he simmered down and kissed me back. He never stopped playing with my nipples as I slid my tongue in his mouth. His slid back against mine as I pulled him down on top of me. I kept palming him through the fabric, feeling a bulge start to twitch against my hand.

He pulled away for moment, panting, looking down at me. "How did you know this was the last thing on the list?"

"Huh?"

"Sex," he said. "It's one of the best ways to force labor. Orgasms make the uterus contract and semen released inside you can soften the cervix." England's been reading about this waaaay too much to have that memorized …

"Um, I didn't, haha," I laughed. "You playing with my nipples just got me horny."

"Oh." England hesitated. Then he just shrugged. "Oh well. Good enough."

"Ahhh …" I shuddered hard as England latched his mouth over one of my nipples. His tongued lightly smoothed over it, like it was trying to soothe the pain from where he'd pinched them so much. I liked it. "D-do the other one."

"Mmm …" he moaned as he obeyed. He sucked my other nipple into his mouth. When he pulled away, he licked his lips. "I should feel guilty for enjoying that so much. Fairly soon our baby will be the one doing that."

"Heh … you can do it, too." I smirked up at him. "After I have the baby and the milk comes, you can drink it. You can suck all you want. Whaddaya think about that, England?"

"… I-I don't know …"

"Come on. I heard it tastes really sweet, like the milk left in the bowl after you eat cereal. Especially mine, considering all that PinkBanana I put in my mouth."

"Is that right?" England humored. "We'll see about that. For now, I'll just enjoy them before the baby does."

He gave my nipples one last hard pinch, twisting them almost completely.

"AAH!" I yelped.

"Heh, sorry …"

England trailed kisses down my chest, down to my tummy. He stopped there, staring at it. I didn't like him doing that. Whenever he looked at or touched my tummy, I got paranoid he would realize it didn't look or feel quite right for a baby, and was really just fat.

Now he placed his hands on it, and I held my breath and hoped he didn't realize the truth.

"I … I think I can feel it kicking," said England. He smiled up at me.

"Uhh … yeeeeah. Me too."

That was indigestion from Chipotle. But close enough, right?

"Come on, hurry up," I said to him. "Let's do this."

"All right, all right." England took off his own shirt and set it aside. Then he reached for my pants and helped me shimmy out of them. They were sweatpants, because that's all I could fit into now I was all chubby. Finally, he finished pulling them off my legs and threw them on the nearby chair. "Oh? What's this? No underwear, America?"

"You don't wear underwear when you wear sweatpants, DUH. Those are free-balling pants."

"Blimey, you weren't kidding about the nipple stimulation turning you on." England said that because he was staring at my cock. Which was hard and erect and ready to goooo!

He grasped it in his hand and began to stoke it.

I hissed because it felt good. "Harder, England," I begged. "Faster!"

England smirked and obeyed. He pumped my cock with quick, rough strokes. It made me squirm underneath him, sinking into the couch cushions.

"This how you like it, America?" he teased.

"Yessss …" I whimpered. "Keep … keep doing that."

I dunno how, but somehow England always knew just how to beat me off in the way I liked. He even did it better than me when I masturbated! Which is really saying something, because they say you always know what you like best. But then again, I'm kind of a lazy masturbator. Sometimes my arm gets tired and I'm just like, meh whatever. I'll give up before I finish and go grab something to eat instead. It's too much effort to finish sometimes, ya know? Y'all know what I'm talking about, right? … no? Just me then? Okay …

But anyway, England was giving me quite a stoking. His hand was fast, frenzied as it fisted my cock. I watched him, watched his hand slide over my length over and over, and I knew I was gonna pop before England even unzipped himself.

"Stop, stop," I said even though I reeeeeally didn't want to. I sat up and reached for England's zipper. "Come on, whip it out, before I cum from just your hand!"

"Whoa there," said England, chuckling a bit. "Those pregnancy hormones making you randy, eh? I've heard about them. They can be quite intense."

"YEAH SO WHIP YOUR FRIGGIN' COCK OUT AND LET'S GET IT ON ALREADY!"

I only said that to play into the whole 'crazy pregnancy hormone' thing, okay? I didn't want England's cock THAT badly. I mean, I'm not a slut. I've never been on the Maury show.

… okay, I'll admit it. When England did whip his friggin' cock out like I asked him to, I was almost on that crazy hormone level. Bottoming wasn't even my thing usually, but when you're nine months starved of sex and have had your nipples played with for a half hour, you get pretty turned on!

So yeah, when I saw it, I ached to have it in me.

"Hurry, England," I commanded. I lie back and spread my legs. Then I grabbed my ass cheeks and spread them too.

England spat on my entrance and then pushed himself inside. He held onto my legs as he started thrusting into me.

My hands balled into the couch as I held on for the ride.

"Oh-God-this-feels-so-good-why-did-we-wait-nine-months-to-do-this-you-already-found-my-prostate-how-do-you-always-do-that-oh-yes-yes-yes!"

That was a lot for me to say in one breath.

In case you couldn't read that, I was … rather enjoying myself. England was really good at remembering where my prostate was and hit it after just a couple thrusts. Now he hit about every other time he shoved himself in and it was driving me wild.

"OH YESSSS!" I moaned. "YOU'RE ALL THE PINKBANANA I NEED! OH HAHA, I JUST GOT THAT! PINKBANANA? LIKE A DICK, THAT'S FU — OOOHHH …"

I couldn't even finish laughing about the joke. It felt so good, I just had to moan.

As he banged me, my belly fat sloshed up and down. With each thrust it moved just a beat behind us. England noticed, and put one hand on it to steady it.

"I hope … moving the baby around like this …" he panted. "… isn't harmful."

"It's fiiiiine," I said. "Don't hold back because of it."

England cut me a glare. "It?"

"HE OR SHE IS FINE! There, happy?"

"Quite."

"Yeah, but seriously. I wasn't joking. Fuck me harder."

England sped up a bit, and the couch made like this knocking noise, like KNOCKKNOCKKNOCK. But he still didn't let go of my tummy.

"Harder!" I demanded. "I'm almost there!"

KNOCKKNOCKKNOCK

"No!" said England. "I don't want to harm the baby!"

KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK

"Ugh, God, come on! I'm so close!"

KNOCK … KNOCK … KNOCK …

"No, the baby is moving around too much as it is!"

Wait, was England slowing down? Aw, crap, he was! His pace was all slow and gentle now. Noooo, I was so close! I was losing it! Y'all don't know what it was like! I was like right there. My balls had already gotten all tight and I was about to explode. Then he slowed down, and it started to slip away …

"Please, please, England," I begged in a panicked, horny voice. "Just do it hard for like a minute, that's all I need, please, please, God …"

"Shut up, I'm not hurting the baby just you can have a better orgasm."

"PLEEEEASE!"

"No!"

"GOD COME ONNNNN!"

"I said no!"

"J-JUST DO IT!"

"Are you listening to me? I said I refuse to hurt the baby—"

"DAMNIT, THERE IS NO FREAKIN' BABY!" I roared.

Oh. Oh, crap. I couldn't believe I said that. But I did. It just sorta … happened.

My nine month secret was out of the bag because I was in throes of passion and couldn't think clearly. That's a better way to say I was thinking with my dick instead of with my brain, right? I just spilt the beans because I wanted better sex.

I was so pissed at myself. How could I have done that? ! It just sorta slipped out! I wasn't thinking clearly! All I could think about was how good it'd feel to cum! For the first time in nine months, might I add. Almost ten.

England froze when I said it. He stopped thrusting, but didn't pull out. He stared at my face, looking to see if I was joking. When he only saw panic on my face, he knew this was no lulzy matter.

"You're … you're serious?" he asked, his voice breaking. I could feel him quickly going soft inside me. "Tell me you're kidding. That was a sick joke, r-right?"

I couldn't even look at him. I just glanced to the ground, not knowing what to say.

I mean, what COULD I say? 'Oh hey, the last almost four months have been a total lie, we did all that stuff for the baby, bought all those baby things and had a shower and spent night after night reading baby books and picking out baby names for nothing.' Because that sounded horrible :/

My look said it all. England climbed off of me. He was completely flaccid. He started to gather his clothes.

"W-wait!" I shouted, though I still couldn't look him in the face. "I didn't mean it like this! I-I mean, I didn't want it to turn out this way! It really was just a joke, at least at first. Then it just got out of control and spiraled and I just went with it because—"

SLAM!

That was the door. England was gone.

X

Another three months went by. I didn't hear from England. Not a word. I tried calling him sometimes, but he never returned my calls. I apologized over and over on his voicemail, on texts, by email, but it didn't matter. He never replied. He clearly didn't want anything to do with me.

The news spread like all good gossip does. We were the talk of the international community. 'Oh, did you hear? America faked his pregnancy? How scandalous~!' 'Oh yes, I heard all about it. But let's keep talking about how what horrible person he is anyway, haha!'

That's how people were talking about me. I'm a liar, a terrible person, a monster. And I can kinda see why they could believe that, but still. It was mean and hurt my feelings :(

I only did this for England's attention, and now he wouldn't even speak to me. This plan completely backfired. Believe it or not, I actually lost all that weight I gained (okay, I was back to when I just had that one little fat roll, but still that's pretty good.) I just didn't have an appetite. Not even PinkBanana could console me.

Then one day, out of nowhere, England DID call me. I almost pissed myself I was so excited. I quickly grabbed the phone after just one ring.

"HELLO? !" I said excitedly.

"Hello," said England's voice, very subdued.

"H-hey, what's up?"

"I'm just calling to inform you that Butterscotch has had her foal. Both she and baby are happy and healthy. As the owner of the sire, is it my duty to inform you of this."

"Uh — oh. That's great?" I didn't give a shit about those unicorns, but I was just so happy he was speaking to me again.

"Goodbye—"

"No wait!" I shouted. "Please don't hang up!"

"I don't see why I shouldn't."

"Just listen to me. I wanted to … umm … a-apologize. I'm sorry. But I can explain! You were just ignoring me so much and never paying any attention to me and well … when you said you'd stay with me for months, I couldn't help but go along with it. I just wanted to finally be with you."

/DRAMA

"You did all that just for attention? You created an elaborate ruse and lied about being pregnant, got my hopes up, hell, fooled the entire world — just for some bloody attention?"

"… I guess so."

/MOAR DRAMA

"What the hell is wrong with you? If you wanted attention, why didn't you just ASK like a normal person!"

"I-I-I don't know! I guess I was just, like, I dunno …" I was mumbling then. "… too proud or something. I didn't wanna tell you my feelings. That's what women do. Men hold it in."

"So you thought pretending to be pregnant was manlier?"

"… I didn't say it was a smart idea, I'm just telling you what happened!"

I heard England sigh. "I was so excited about that baby. It was all I could think about. I hadn't been that happy in so long. When you told me it was a lie, I was heartbroken."

/SO THE DRAMA

"When I arrived back home," continued England, "I couldn't bear the thought of not having a baby, after expecting one for so long. And I could have gone out and knocked up any slutty tart willing to sleep with me, but I didn't. You know what I did?"

"No, how could I? I wasn't there."

"I pored over spell book after spell book after spell book. Looking for a spell that could make a male become pregnant."

Oh, here we go again with the magic …

"And I actually found one," said England. "I really want to try it on you, but I'm hesitant after you hurt me so badly."

"But I apologized! Please don't be mad at meeeee!"

England took a long time to reply. Like he was thinking about something. Then finally he said, "Very well then. I suppose I forgive you. I never wanted to be angry with you in the first place. You just really hurt me …"

:(

"But I still very much want to have a baby with you," he said. "It's still all I think about. What do you think? Would you be willing to be subjected to my spell and carry my baby?"

"Uh, sure!"

"Very well then. But I would like you to visit me this time, as I'm tending to Butterscotch and her foal and don't want to leave them."

Goddamn unicorns …

"Okey! I'll take the next flight out!"

"Brilliant."

This was perfect. Magic wasn't real. We were just gonna have tons of sex indefinitely for all eternity. Because a baby will never come, but England will always keep trying.

… though maybe I should have asked HIM to carry the baby. I just realized I assigned myself to bottoming for all eternity as well :/

(The end!)


End file.
